duck just tromped on me
and let me know that she needed to be fed
i haven't looked in the mirror yet
but i can feel a big scratch on my neck.

weekend out of time.
and now back to the everyday everyday.
sweeties gone home. back to cold days
and dark bus ride to work.

mmmmm but it was nice.

i am so ready for the weekend.

see nick
see nick wake up
see nick shower and get dressed
see nick eat his pills and a tortilla for breakfast
see nick watch the minutes pass before he has to go to work.
see nick count the impatient hours till friday evening when his visitor arrives.

ok. enough tv about the government.
makes me want to flee.
i am going back to bed. hope i can get an hour or two of sleep
before work.

yesterday i heard a great nickname for our new president.
shrub. as in a little bush.
heh. heh. heh.

i really really love it
when i can't sleep
and i get up at 2:30 am

i get so much shit done. it is so quiet. the house and the world are mine.
sleeping suckers! hah! you lose.

welcome to my world,
n.

and because i can.

2. I may have just
remembered the (2^nd) second
of those (5) five things.

-dec. 30, 1996

or if you will... you can too.

i have been playing with sneakyfreak. new resumé and books and travel lists. not super thrilling, but i am having a good time fucking around. love to sit and focus. besides, it keeps the monitor on and warm so my cat has a heated throne. dig?

7:00 am on a saturday
and i am up and dressed, not really unreasonable
as i slept in my clothes. too tired to care about taking them off
i fell asleep on the couch with a cat on my chest and roused myself
enough at 4:00 to make it into my bed.

the house is messy and i am seeing how long i can put off
the cleaning that needs to be done, the cat litter that needs to be changed,
the kitchen floor that has to be cleaned. sometimes i just want to sit.
ok. most of the time i just want to sit. but no. i spin and i fidget and
i got a million places i gotta be.

saturdays = no bad love, ain't a thing that can go wrong.

finished suttree by cormac mccarthy. a must read book as far as i am concerned.
i was just trolling around in the book looking for a clever quote to grace you with
but realized that that wouldn't do the trick. mccarthy is very nice with words. like a poet.
i also just reread all the pretty horses. nice book too. though reliable sources (random
lady i met on the plane between here and somewhere else) have it that the movie bites, and
that one should not waste one's time.

debating walking down to the market. though i loathe to leave the warm. probably won't make it.

how come these things always happen at 6 am?

home from an overnight in new york.
love love love cruising around that city. i have blisters on my feet.
got to hang out with ms. karen grenke and her man, David, at a nice little bar called the odessa cafe. karen and I
are friends from taiwan. we have known each other for about 14 years. it was great to get to steal an evening out of time with her.

i gotta go to work. ugh.

sleepy weekend.
at home and hanging out with the shades drawn.
ahhhh.

new days and early mornings always suprise me.
i cannot understand why i am the only one awake
don't folks know what they are missing?

of course, most nights
at around 10 o'clock
they are thinking the same about me.

sr. maxy came over last night and we watched The Limey
I started out on the couch... but quickly moved to the floor
and slipped into half sleep.
i missed the last 45 minutes of the movie. no tragedy as i have seen it before.

woke up as the movie was ending
said g'night to max
talked to jen briefly before i crashed.
and then off to dreamland.

What I want to do today:
some big wind sailing
stay in bed reading
3 movies and a pot of tea
a quick trip out of town
some sun

but i guess i will settle for nine or ten hours in the office

hmmm,
nick out

suprise suprise
up and working on that damn presentation that i
couldn't stay awake for
last night.

from 1995-

I think I will go sit in a bookstore on my lunch
hour
and watch the quiet women
spectacled
pulling books from the shelf
and caressing them
pouring over them
touching them with their
stares
(I went to bed early last night
on my own
hope abandoned
I am reminded of a line
from Brautigan)
with colored jewels dripping onto your
breast
like a clear African sunset

and I think
if I don't get some action soon
I shall erupt like
st. helens.

supposed to be working on a sales training presentation
but my mind is on an extracurricular someone

sea-town is feeling lonely
with only the j. beez to keep me company
40 below trooper, baby
in my chilly apartment.
just doesn't seem right.

went to the dentist this afternoon so left work early
cruised downtown and walked around as i waited for 3:00 to roll around
half hour with the teeth-folks and then walked around a little more
it is good to reorient after being out of town. I always do it. HabitualCreature.
did some grocery shopping, now in for the night.
talking to all my friends that live other places

and eventually will get to the damned presentation.

simple as that i kick the facts thats where its at,
simple as that.

nbp

a couple things.
back home after being on the road for a week.
was in minnesota and san francisco for worky work
and then stayed in san francisco for pleasure.

the cats are happy to see me.
could it be that i am just a feeding machine?
i would say yes... but for the big love and purrs that i got last night.

and now i am dealing with the reality of the office
only one hour away..

visited city lights book store in sf with the lovely ms. robinson
and picked up Suttree by Cormac McCarthy and got about a third way through it on the flight home.
dreamy southern writing, words flowing like a dirty river
rhyme and reason seem dropped and i am not sure where the book is going but the ride is fantastic
though somewhere in the back of my mind i know that i have read this before.

Also picked up Beside the Shadblow Tree by Hayden Carruth which is a memoir of James Laughlin.
if you do not know who these cats are you should. This is one of the most beautiful life accounts that i have ever read
and i am a biography junkie. the world of poetry would not be what it became without the influence of these.

if you are interested you should also read Suicide and Jazzers by Carruth and the anything by Laughlin


and just for fun i will leave you with these. they are mine, but wouldn't be without the braintouchmindlick of the above mentioned fellows:

icarus 1

Wary of defeat
and in some dread doubt
of his strength
he flew off the edge
of reason

"I often wonder
over these words
I dream of
rhyme and rhythm
I dream of flow and
simple stones
that glimmer and glow
and perceptions
beyond percieving"

I have been tumbled
by one no better
than myself.
devious distraction
building some feather castle
lighter than air
delight divine.


icarus 3

of some vision of icarus
i share and my great wingspan
stretches to meet warring directions
tattered and dripping feathers and wax

i soar

i shed my hope into the great saphire embrace
of the sea glittering
and reflecting that light of the sun
a lover rushing to meet the one
who offers glory more than this.



good morning,
I go forth to sully the good face of a brand new day,
n.

back
like i wasn't gone at all.
i been:
snowboarding (mmmm whistler)
seeing old friends
saying goodbye to friends
drinking
celebrating a brand spanking new year
missing ms. duck
hanging with my lovely family for christmas
driving
talking on the phone
and so much more.

how is that for a summary?
Brandon just drove off for his lady and LA. Bummer to watch him go. We had a crazy night last night welcoming in the new year. By chance (or some divine intervention) we (martha,brandon and i)ended up at the backdoor and riz was spinning. how perfect.

we shook our booties till we could shake them no more.
then we tried to keep our eyes open till daylight.

ahh.
n.